PART 3:  RITUALS

Ritual: a customarily repeated, often formal act or series of acts    (American Standard)

Within a D/s relationship, rituals are defined acts that the participants find important which enhance and strengthen the D/s relationship.  This is a highly subjective area, and also a very frustrating one, as many new to the concept of D/s try to seek out rituals that they can follow, and do not know how to create their own.  

Most rituals that we recognize as rituals in the everyday world have been established for us - The rituals of a church service being the most commonly thought of as a ritual.  However, there are many rituals that people perform in their daily lives, but do not recognize as such.  For example, most people follow a ritual at bedtime.  Once they decide to go to bed, they perform the same actions in the same order every night.  Such a ritual is comforting, and if disrupted the person very likely has trouble falling asleep.  

What sets the D/s rituals apart from our everyday rituals, is that they are developed consciously, practiced intentionally, and they are unique to each relationship.

I chose the example of going to bed as a ritual for a reason.  It is not mysterious, or wrapped in enigmatic symbols.  It is very simple and straight forward.  That is the key to how a ritual in a D/s relationship must be developed if it is to have any effect.  If you design something that is complicated or intricate, then performing it becomes a task in and of itself, and it  never sinks into the unconscious as a normal natural behavior.

This does not mean that one cannot have elaborate rituals, just pointing out that for the purpose of rituals that are everyday, it is not necessary.

An example of two kinds of rituals for the same event:  The Greeting

Greeting 1:
The submissive kneels, bottom raised, forehead pressed to the ground, hands above head, fingers interlocked.  She does not move until the Dominant acknowledges her, then she kneels up, and expresses her joy at his return home.  (The comments she makes must be formally phrased and in a positive mode, but she is given leeway to determine what is specifically said each time.)

Greeting 2:
The dominant opens his arms in a gentle embrace.  The submissive places her head on his shoulder and says a greeting such as “Welcome home sir” or some other seemingly vanilla remark.  

For both Greetings, the Dominant then replies with a similar statement of greeting to the submissive.

You may have noticed that Greeting one works great if you are in a 24/7 relationship with no children or other household members, or if you are in a hotel.  It doesn’t work at all if you have any kind of  vanilla household member, unless you can be totally sure they don’t observe it.  Greeting two works all the time.  

Both serve the purpose of a ritual established by a couple to reinforce the nature of their relationship.  They are done every day, the same way, every time.  However, some couples adopt both kinds of rituals.  The everyday, vanilla seeming ritual, which is done day in and day out, but also the more elaborate, strongly D/s ritual which they perform whenever it is feasible in place of the vanilla one.

What is the point of such a ritual?  First and foremost, it is to reestablish the feelings of Dominance and submission after having been away from each other, usually at daily jobs or for any other reason.  It allows both to slip out of their career roles and into the roles of devoted Master and submissive.   The rituals are enjoyable, with the greetings, touching and open show of affection establishing a warm feeling for both partners, allowing for a smooth and predictable transition from daily grind to your chosen lifestyle.

That is just one purpose of rituals.  Another is to make various duties not only meaningful but also to keep them from becoming boring.  A common situation is the duty of shaving.  Many dominants require their submissives to shave on a regular basis.  At first, the dominant started by performing the shaving, but eventually it became a chore for the submissive to do by herself.  Eventually, because there is really nothing in this task for herself, the submissive starts neglecting the duty, and instead of something  that helps tie the relationship together, you have a source of  frustration.  And yet, if the act of shaving is developed into a ritual that the two of you share, there is both intimacy and pleasure.  A specific time is allotted for the task which ensures adequate time to do properly.  It also provides a warm intensely intimate environment in which the roles of Dominance and submission are enhanced on a regular basis.

What kinds of rituals can you develop?   Greeting, shaving, serving meals, getting into bed,  putting the collar on, laying out the toys, serving a special treat after the kids are in bed.  Any and all are open areas for rituals.   Including punishment.

How to begin?   Pick an area that you would like to develop a ritual for.  For example shaving.  First, list all the steps that are required to perform the task currently.  Then break the tasks into specific groupings, such as equipment, preparation, location, time required.  Next determine what actions must always happen, and how to formalize them.  Gathering the materials needed is one.  Formalize it by arranging all the required materials on a tray.  Determine where the shaving will happen - in the tub or on the bed, and the position of the submissive during it.  In the tub, perhaps you can require that the submissive has filled the bath with soothing bath oil and has fragrant candles lit, specific music, etc.  Go through each step and clearly write down what should be happening at each level.  Then do it according to the script.  Change the script as necessary to accommodate where reality differed from memory.   Once you have it developed to both of your satisfaction, create a permanent record and keep a file.   Do that for each ritual you develop.  Incorporate in the ritual things that make you feel good towards each other, and that reinforce the commitment to your relationship.  

From Lord Garth of  Dallas, the following advice:

     I would suggest for people going 24/7 is to document some current and future rituals. Is there a particular way that the slave serves a drink to the Master/Mistress?  If so, document the procedure so that it can be shared via e-mail and so that the slave can  practice it.  These rituals do not have to be really kinky things, they do not have to be outrageous  examples that require nudity and handcuffs, they can be pretty mundane.  For example, when it is dinner time in our house dina always serves it, and she always serves me first.  No matter who cooked, no matter who's turn it is for clean-up.  The method of serving  will change a little if we are alone, but the act of serving, and serving me first is something she could do in front of our kids her mother and a priest.

     Once all of the current rituals are documented, look at every aspect of your  daily/weekly life and pick out other tasks/actions that could or should be ritualized.  When you have identified a few then design the ritual to go with the task.  Do all of this together with the slave having a lot of input into how the ritual will go.  Once you have a ritual you both like for a specific task add it to your routine and move on to the next  thing.  Do not feel that every single step the slave takes all day every day must be wrapped in a BDSM ritual, but try to add just a little each week for a couple of months.  

     Make the ritual fit the task, and be prepared to change your surroundings to accommodate the ritual. For example;  Let's say that between a Master and a 
slave they decide that the slave should always be kneeling when he/she puts on a collar.  Because they have kids they agree that the slave will always wear some sort of necklace and that just the Master and slave will know that the vanilla chokers are really collars.  Therefore they include in the ritual that any time the slave puts on any neckwear she must be kneeling.  O.K.  You may have to find a perfect little spot in your house where it would be possible to hang a mirror that is low.  That way the slave could always use that mirror when putting on the necklace, and the fact that the mirror is low makes a good excuse why she must kneel down to use it.  If you have small children in the house you can convince them that the mirror is so low so that they (the children) can use it.  

     A lot of 24/7 submissives will tell you they crave more ritual and more direction in their
daily 24.  This is a good way to give it to them.

                                                                             Lord Garth

Thank you Lord Garth.  In my opinion, what he said applies also for non-24/7.  The whole point of rituals is to develop a means for which you and your partner can enrich your daily experience of Dominance and submission.  Even with a part time D/s relationship, you can establish daily rituals which help maintain the structure of D/s.  You may require the submissive to write you an email every day, beginning with a formula report (i.e.:  describe a fantasy, or how many times did you play with yourself, etc.)  But with the development of personal rituals that require both partners, you also develop a very intimate protocol of behavior between the two.  

So, now you know what you want to do, how you want to behave, and what your expectations are.  What next?  Adherence to all of this doesn’t happen over night.  Now you must train.  Both the Dominant and submissive benefit from training, as this way they learn each others responses and abilities.  Get together and practice what you have decided to do.  Then, when  you do it for real, it will be smooth and confident, which will enhance the experience for you both.

Not only does the slave need to practice the positions, but both together need to practice the commands and the protocols and the rituals.  This way you will both know what to do and how to react in different situations.  Also, the Master will learn how easily or difficult different positions and postures are for his submissive… and that will provide him with guidelines for where and when and how frequently to command them.  

Also, training sessions provide a nonstressful, nonplay environment where the goal is mutual satisfaction.  Such sessions should be oriented towards positive results, and as such will enrich the relationship.

Again, refer to many fictional works for different rituals, also check out www.castlerealm.com for some very real and interesting articles on just about every aspect of BDSM, including rituals.  Most of it is just what works for me.