Where to start:

1. Start by determining what type of relationship you want.  Is it a service relationship?  Is it primarily a sexual one?  Is it Daddy/girl  or  Master/slave?  

2.  What behaviors and mannerisms turn you on.

This is for both Tops and Bottoms.  Be CLEAR about what turns you on.
If what you want is to be Jeeves…have a suite and silver tray, say so.  If you need to be dressed in a French Maid outfit with nipple cut outs, be specific.    If you want your submissive to be June Cleaver incarnate, tell her.  If you are not specific, you won’t get what you want.

3. Evaluate your own interests, and also the impact of reality.

4. Negotiate all aspects of the Protocol. 
Protocols deal with the emotions and the mind.  Feelings can be hurt and the bruises last a lot longer than the physical ones.   The mental stuff is the hardest.  You want to negotiate and discuss the protocols so that you find the right person for you.    

TOP INFORMATION:

Tops, be specific.   Not:  I expect respect at all times. .................  Duh?

Instead:  I will be addressed as XXX  when we are at home.
             I will be addressed as YYY when at the club
             I will be addressed as  ZZZ in vanilla public.

In this way you have determined what you want specifically, and your bottom now has a clear idea of how to please  you.  

It is best to start very generally, and then get specific.

1. The bottom will show appreciation for any attention received, whether for punishment or pleasure.
a. The bottom will say “Thank you Mistress” then kiss boots
2. When kneeling to kiss boots, legs are spread and butt high in air
3. Kiss first the left boot, outside edge, inside edge, then right boot outside edge, then inside edge.  
4. after kissing boots back up, place head on floor and wait recognition.

But!   Be careful not to get too detailed to fast.  First start with the general.  Then add the detail of kneeling to kiss boots.  Then add the detail for how to kiss the boots.  Allow the protocol (ritual) to develop naturally, but document the process as you go, so that you will both know what is important and what isn’t.  

You want the development of your protocol to be an exciting and nurturing experience, and for it to be organic.  It will grow and change and develop with your relationship, making it stronger and deeper.  

Realize that your Protocol WILL change.  It is better to start with a few simple rules of behavior, maybe 5.  Then after those are mastered, add 5 more.  Plus depth to the first five.  Make the addition of new rules a reward for having mastered the first ones.  

Don’t hand a new submissive a 30 page document and say, start doing all this on Monday.  It won’t work, it will be overwhelming and there is nothing fun about flipping through a manual trying to figure out what to do next..  

Also, you cannot expect perfect obedience.  You are commanding behavior from a human being.  Not a machine.  And sometimes… there has to be down time.

Every protocol should have a way, within the protocol, to request a way to be excused from the Protocol.  This is a release valve.  Again, it is almost axiomatic that the dominant MUST almost always grant such a request.  But the value of it is that by granting this request, the protocol is actually still in place.  By not granting it, you run the risk that the stress that caused the need for the request in the first place will force the submissive to decide to just chuck it all anyway.   Note I did say ALMOST always.  Sometimes, by asking for the release, the submissive is also asking for help.  If the dominant can relieve the reason the sub requested the time out, it is possible to actually deny the request but in a positive way.

A good, well written protocol will allow flexibility for both partners.  If the submissive, for what ever reason, feels a need to be released from the protocol, the mere fact of requesting the release in a specific way, and being granted it according to the protocol, actually preserves the protocol…..it is still being “observed” even during the time out, and provides a sense of security and continuity during that time period.  

Also, there is nothing wrong with telling the submissive… you get the time out, but your penalty for it is that after the time out, you will have to do “X” to make up for the lack of protocol during this time.  

Be creative. 
Find ways to keep it meaningful.  

Note: Roles of Protocol do  not only belong to the bottom.  Protocol applies to the Dominant as well, and must include behavior of the Top.  

The rules may specify that the Top is polite at all times, or crude and hurtful.  But the rules must be there for both…specify what YOU will be doing.

Remember, your Protocol is YOURS and yours only.  You cannot expect others to follow  your protocol, even if they know it.  

Write your protocols out, not as a contract but as a guide book.  This is helpful for both Dom and sub.   Who forgets the specific protocols first?  The dominant.  Bottoms don’t keep protocol out of fear of punishment but because they WANT to be pleasing to their Dom.  They don’t just “stop” observing protocol for the heck of it.  They stop primarily because the Tops fail to NOTICE.  When the Top fails to notice/react, then he doesn’t care..  

As the Dominant, you must be involved.  You have established it.  You must maintain it.  You reward good behavior, and punish bad.  And modify the rules when necessary.

For the Bottoms:

If you stop doing something required of your protocol, and your top doesn’t notice, it is your right and responsibility to bring this to the Master’s attention… in a respectful way, according to your protocol.  

All protocols should provide a way for the submissive to bring anything up that needs to be discussed without fear of reprisal.  

Also, sometimes Tops realize that they stopped noticing something, and if that happens, it is better to say “I’ve noticed  you have stopped doing X.”    However, remember that at this point, you cannot punish for it.  If you have not noticed for a month that she is not kneeling before getting into bed, then today, you notice it….  You can’t punish her retroactively. Instead take ownership of the problem, acknowledge your part (lack of noticing means it has become less than meaningful to you also) and then brainstorm  together what you can do to prevent it from happening again.   Bottoms are responsible to obey you, but you (the top) are  responsible for noticing that obedience (or lack) and following through.  

If you have noticed something has become neglected or is being performed by rote instead of with real meaning or that you personally now find boring to watch the submissive perform it “yet again”, it is time to re-evaluate the reason for that action, and either modify it or drop it entirely.  It is this process that helps keep the protocol alive and responsive to the relationship, and therefore meaningful.  When it stops being meaningful, the relationship is on the skids.  It has become simply a series of actions instead of a deep bond.

Always remember that your personal protocol is YOURS and yours alone.  You may have to explain them to someone, but you should get respect regardless of their acceptance of your protocol or not.    When in your house, I’ll obey your protocol, or I leave.  You do the same for me in mine.  This is the essence of basic etiquette.  No one else knows your protocol.  Don’t expect them to.  Don’t try to make them follow your rules.  This is YOURS.  Keep it for you and the ones in your S/M relationship.   

Keep the relationship alive and interesting.  As with all relationships, it requires work. But the results are very rewarding.

Cecelia took these notes on December 1, 2000, as a service to Sir David, at a presentation by Laura Antoniau in Austin, Texas.  They are published and provided to interested people with Laura’s gracious permission.