The Way of It:  How to establish a Protocol  

A talk given by Laura Antoniau, December 1, 2000 

 

Q. What is the number one reason for failure of an S/M relationship?   
A. Lack of consistency.  Not failed flogging or lack of fetish wear.  Consistency. 

 

Basically, what happens is that the people involved in the relationship stop doing the things that got them interested in S/M in the first place.  (NOTE:  S/M is the term L. A. used to mean S/M, D/s, BDSM, what ever set of letters you want for the lifestyle we choose.)  

 

Reality is that every relationship will slow down after the first flush of excitement wears off.  All the Passion, Drama and Emotion that make it exciting at first, tone down.  And all of those are tied up in actions.  When the actions stop, the relationship stops. 

 

I don’t have a magic solution to offer to keep a relationship alive, but one thing that can work is the creation and maintenance of a protocol.  

 

Before we get into that, we must first touch on some of the terms to be used. 

 

First: I am NOT in my 50’s or older.  I have never been in the Military.  And I am not a gay male that fits both of those descriptions. Therefore, I am not, nor can I ever have been “old Guard” and anyone that says otherwise is wrong.  

 

Second:  The basic assumption of this entire presentation is that we are talking about a S/M relationship where there is a Top (Dominant) and a bottom.  The bottom is in a state of consensual submission and has agreed to be obedient to the top. 

 

Etiquette: forms of behavior established by good breeding, or what is prescribed by cultural situations.  

Basic etiquette.  You must know good manners.  Read Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, etc.  Get them.  Read them.  Use them.  There is never an excuse for bad manners. 

 

Protocol: The code that prescribes the adherence to the etiquette. 

SM Protocol: a plan for enacting the behavior within your relationship.  (Including the basic etiquette stuff.) 

 

A good (and currently the only) reference for alternate life styles is:  
The Bride Wore Black Leather... and He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us  
by Drew Campbell, Donna Barr (Illustrator) / Paperback / Greenery Press / March 2000 

Another good reference comes from a Military Protocol book:  
Service Etiquette  
Oretha D. Swartz / Hardcover / Naval Institute Press / November 1988 

 

These are good books to add to your reference set, right along side of Emily Post, et al.  
Basically, ask yourself what attracted you to SM in the first place.  
 

Power?  Surrender?  The formalisms?  The manners?  The rituals?  

Everything that is done in S/M is strengthened, sharpened and enhanced by etiquette. 

 

One of the first things you do is establish a Protocol.  How do you expect the submissive to behave, to address you, to dress, to sit, eat, etc.  This is a model for the relationship.  It is the Tops responsibility to establish the protocol.  DO NOT send your submissive out on the net looking for that “magic” protocol that must be followed.  It does not exist.  

 

By taking someone else’s protocol, you are essentially handing over the control of your relationship to someone else.  Because that is what protocol is… the control of the relationship.  Protocols within a relationship are private and personal.  You make the rules for what is important to you.  If you take third party protocols and just try to use those, you are going to guarantee that they will be misinterpreted, some will be implausible, and others will just be plain wrong for your relationship.  Besides, do you really want your submissive to fulfill someone else’s fantasy?  Your fantasy is what should be the focus.  

 

Also, if you hand the responsibility of creating the protocols over to the submissive, you are telling the submissive to control the relationship.  Which is usually not what the submissive is looking for.  They want to know what pleases you, not just what they are guessing at.  Only the dominant can make it right. 

 

This does not mean you cannot use other information.  Certainly borrow (or outright steal) bits and pieces of protocols from other sources that appeal to you.  But take just the important part and flesh it out with your own style and flavor.  Make it your own and move on.  Do not just take someone else’s protocol “whole cloth” and try to use it. 

 

But that begs the question… Where do I get that protocol? 

 

Have you ever fantasized about a series of positions you would like to see your sub perform?  Write them up.  Make it clear.  Be prepared to teach them and modify them to fit reality.  

 

Read about other styles of protocols.  For example everyone that has ever heard the term “Old Guard” has an opinion.  However, if you think this appeals to you, I recommend you read the following two books, and if you like what you read, go for it: 

 

The Leatherman's Handbook   
Larry Townsend, John Preston / Paperback / L. T. Publications / November 1994 

Real Thing  
William M. Carney / Paperback / Masquerade Books, Inc. / April 1995 

Other sources are John Normans Gor series, the story of O, Ann Rice Beauty series.  Just remember that your life is NOT GOR.   It is yours.  Take what you like and make it real, but don’t try to convince yourself you are from the planet Gor or from Roissery.  You aren’t.  You also don’t find a lot of protocol described in my books.  The last thing I want is someone to say they are following the Market Place protocol.  There is no such thing.  
 

Creating a Protocol 

First, think about why are you doing this?  To establish a relationship?  To deepen it?  To try to repair it?  (usually repairs don’t work because by the time you realize you need to fix it, its too late, but try anyway.) 

 

Then, think about all the things you want/need the protocol to cover. 

Speech:  

Discussion habits, how to address Master/Mistress, how to address other masters and mistresses.  How to address tops, bottoms, vanilla people, other household members.  How to argue.  How to disagree with Master. How to agree with Master.  How to ask for a favor.  How to ask for sex.  How to request a time out.  

 

Posture.  
How to stand, how to sit,  how to kneel.  When and how to use different positions.  Who opens the door. Where do they walk (in front?  Behind?  Left side?  Right?)  Describe in detail all the different postures and positions.  

 

Presenting (offering a body part for use)  
How to do it for pleasure, play, punishment, humiliation, whatever.  

 

Other stuff: when and who they can hug with or with out permission, shake hands, bow.  Get you a drink.  Serve dinner.  Fold the laundry.  Hang the clothes.  Walk the dog. 

Personal habits:   
When and how to eat, go to the bathroom, drink, have sex, use furniture, drive, got to work, dress, get undressed, brush their hair, brush their teeth, where to sleep, what to sleep in, shave, smoke, etc. 

 

Other issues:  
Can they carry money?  Use a credit card?  Write checks?  Can they use the phone, the computer, and the fax.  Are they allowed to touch their collar with their own hands?  Can they remove it?  Put it on themselves?  How?  When?  

 

There are endless opportunities for developing protocols.  

Just remember, what is fine in the dungeon in your home or at the leather bar is not necessarily going to fly at the local Walmart or at your Mom’s Thanksgiving dinner.  Be prepared to have multiple levels of protocol.  When in private … when in semi-public but scene friendly,.. when in Walmart … at Moms. 

 

Also, be wary of using Always.   There is no flexibility.  Always be naked in my presence is not going to work (the folks at Walmart will probably object).  A requirement like that is setup for failure because there are exceptions.  But.. When at my home, and we are alone, you will be naked.   That is a good solid rule that can be followed.  

Basic Question: Why do it:  The best goals of keeping to a protocol  

1. Protocols establish a pattern of a relationship and help define it. 

 

2. to have a quantifiable system to judge the training and success of the bottom.  
a. The Top MUST give feedback.  Protocols work because it is a two way street.  The bottom DOES it. The Top recognizes it is done.   
b. This way both know exactly what is expected and can follow it  

 

3. Shows off good manners.  
Not just out in public, but also privately with each other.  

 

4. Establish and maintains a level of distance in a relationship  
a. Distance is required to keep the Dominant/submissive dynamic strong  
b. The same protocol also can be used to invite intimacy at specific times. 

 

It is important to allow flexibility in the protocol to let the submissive initiate some things…such as sex.  Your protocol can specify how and when the submissive can express the need/desire for sex with the dominant.  However, be warned, that if you give the permission to ask, you need to be prepared to say yes.  EVERY time you say no, you are hitting at the submissive’s self-esteem.  You may not need to say yes every time, but it is a fine line between how many times you can say no and when they decide you don’t care enough and leave.  On the other hand, not ever allowing them to ask also sets them up for deciding you don’t care and them leaving.  

 

A bonus of letting them ask for sex… is they now are “ordered” to tell you when they want sex.  You never have to guess again if they are “in the mood” or not.  

 

5. Establish a means for changing the relationship.  
Include in the protocol a way for the submissive to request a change.  Master, every time I do “X” I feel bad…or angry…or resentful.. or bored…or whatever.  Is it possible to change “X” or delete it.     Again, this obligates you to pay attention. If the submissive actually requests that something be changed, you should change it.  Consider the reasons for the change and also determine if “X” is something you feel is really necessary. If yes, find a way to make it acceptable to the bottom.  If not, then change or delete it as necessary.  In this way, your protocol will change and grow and become more and more tailored to your personal relationship with that particular submissive. 

 

Remember… the protocol has to work for both of you.  If the submissive is finding it unworkable, then the submissive will leave.  If you don’t find it meets your  needs, you will ignore it, and the submissive will feel you don’t care, and the submissive will leave.  

 

Protocols take effort.  It is worth it, but it is not an easy ride for either partner.